


Serendipity with a Twist (ABANDONED WORK)

by Springoffanfiction



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, BPD, Basically my weird idea exploding, Connor is sad, F/F, Fighting, Fluff, Galaxy Gals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jared being a dick, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, Lilith is who I wish i could be, M/M, Mania, Mentions of Being Attacked, Mentions of a mental hospital, Panic Attacks, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Tree Bros, WIP, cursing, evan is anxious, pretty much everyone is gay, psycosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22128787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Springoffanfiction/pseuds/Springoffanfiction
Summary: What if when Connor Murphy came storming out of the library with Evan's letter and the intent of dying, someone stopped him first?And then Connor ends up making two new friends, and not killing himself. Maybe tomorrow... Or not.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"What the fuck-" he cussed."You're the one who ran headfirst into me, I should be the one saying that."Connor blinked. No one ever spoke to him like that anymore.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman/Bath Bombs, Original Character/Original Character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my slightly angsty also fluffy Dear Evan Hansen fic!  
> Lilith is my OC.

Connor Murphy was an angry person. Who yeah, had a lot of issues.

Evan Hansen was an anxious person. Who also had a lot of issues.

Lilith was a confusing person. Who also had issues. 

What are the odds that three people, all lost in life, would meet? At a time where two of them needed it the most. Apparently they were quite great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm not the freak! YOU'RE THE FUCKING FREAK!" The instant the words left Connor's mouth, and the instant his arms left his side, he already regretted it. Why couldn't he control his goddamn temper? The kid was obviously terrified and already had a broken arm. 

Of course, it was a set-up. Why the fuck would anyone actually want to be his friend? "Fuck you."

He stormed out, eyes stinging as the paper crumped in his white-knuckled fist. Whipping around the corner, he collided head-on with a figure, stepping on them with his heavy boots. 

"What the fuck-" he cussed.  
"You're the one who ran headfirst into me, I should be the one saying that."  
Connor blinked. No one ever spoke to him like that anymore. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan's year was already going fantastic. He could totally tell. Oh yeah.

"...yeah I know." Thanks for reminding me. Yeah I know I have no friends. Haha how sad the little anxious wreck doesn't have any friends. Laugh. Haha.

He couldn't even stutter out a full sentence to explain the letter was for his therapist. Pathetic. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilith was a weird girl. She wasn't really afraid of anyone's shit, but was afraid of people in general. People didn't really notice her- ever. 

Except for the occasional fight. 

So how did she know everyone's business? And when did she decide to get involved in Connor and Evan's story?


	2. Shut the Fuck Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stranger confronts Connor, arguing and cursing ensues. 
> 
> tw//past suicide attempt, suicidal ideation, scars, implied self-harm

Connor looked up with an angry scowl, middle finger already prepared. He was stopped short by the sight of the girl in front of him though.

She was the same height as him, 5'8, with elbow-length blue and blonde hair. Her skin was pale, and the bridge of her nose was dotted with freckles. Around her neck hung a pair of black headphones, and she wore a slightly oversized blue and black hoodie, black jeans, and combat boots. Her eyes were a startling blue, piercing and dark all at once. The circles under her eyes were so dark she could've been a raccoon masquerading as a person.

Most startling was the scar arching from above her left eye, around it, and down her cheek. 

She lifted one eyebrow. "What, does the famous Connor Murphy really have nothing to say?"

Connor regained his composure, flipping her off. "Fuck off."

The girl smirked. "No thanks. Hey, whatever you're planning for today- don't."

He did a double-take, eyeing her cautiously. No one knew. There wasn't even a note to find. It's not like anyone would miss him. The last time he tried he got that message pretty clear. "I don't have a clue what you're talking about, loser," he sneered. "So fuck off and get the fuck out of my way!" he finished, fists clenching as the familiar anger bubbled within his chest, nestling between his ribs and sinking into his bones. 

"Oh, you know very well what I'm talking about. And I do too. I'm not blind. If any of the idiots at this hellhole got their heads out of their asses for long enough, they'd see too. Unfortunately, they seem to think their asses are hats. Besides the point though. Okay listen, as well as having eyes, I have ears too. I heard what happened in the library." Speaking of noise, Connor's attention was temporarily diverted to the girl's headphones, where he could faintly hear music playing. "Evan wouldn't do that. I don't fucking care what you think, he's not like that. Go back. Apologize- again. Don't throw your fucking life out because you're one of the kids wearing his ass as a hat."

Connor felt a small tinge of admiration at the long-winded rant but just rolled his eyes, suppressing the muffled panic rising within him. "Yeah right. Sure. I don't even know you. Quit trying to trick me and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY," he growled.

She clenched her jaw. "Listen Murphy, and shut up. I'm Lilith. I literally share three classes with you. Nobody notices me, so I notice everybody else instead." A hint of bitterness tinged her voice. "So please don't do this. I know how to read signs, that's the one thing I'm decent at. I can tell things about people from watching. No, not like some 'freaky psychic thing.' It's called observation. And it's pretty fucking clear what you're planning, it's literally the same as last time."

The panic thrummed through his veins, setting his blood on fire with an angry passion and rage- the same as before. He was going to fuck this up, again. But then he wouldn't have to worry about anything- ever again.

"Shut the FUCK UP! I'm nobody's fucking pet project for your to 'observe,' and you know shit about my life, okay? So fuck off and crawl into whatever obscure hole you crawled out of!" he yelled, the paper ripping as his black-painted nails pierced it. 

The girl closed her eyes, seeming to collect herself as she pushed off the wall of lockers she'd been leaning on to stand directly in front of Connor. "Zoe feels bad." A jolt of panic, hope, desperation, and anger shot through him in quick succession. Before he could interject, she continued. "Okay? She doesn't want this for you. But you make it a little hard. Seriously. Make it a bit easier for people to help you! That's what I'm trying to do, in my own weird aggressive way. I'm just as bad at life as you," she joked. "The only difference is I have an outlet, a friend I can talk to. You don't have anyone right now."

Wow, thanks for the reminder. "That doesn't mean you can't ever, and it sure as hell doesn't mean you're not worthy of one. Read that letter. Actually read it. Don't just scan it and blow up again."

Connor clenched his teeth, rolling his eyes and giving in. Uncrumpling the paper and reading it, confusion replaced much of his anger. 'I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered, to anyone.... would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?' That didn't sound like creepy stalker shit, that just sounded... sad. Hopeless. 

He reread the first sentence. 'Dear Evan Hansen, it turns out today wasn't such an amazing day after all.' Yeah, probably Connor's fault. That was just more proof he needed to leave. He needed to leave right then so he could get into the pill cabinet before Cynthia got home from yoga class. "Okay no it's not some creepy stalker shit. Sorry or whatever. I need to go though so move. You can give this to him along with whatever half-assed apology you think I'd say. Since you know me so well," he tried to coat every word in bitter sarcasm, tried to fill the holes where the sadness was eating away at his energy. Shoving the paper at Lilith's chest, he stormed around her, heading down the hall. 

"Connor." He forced himself not to falter, not to stop, not to turn around. "Neither of us is any stranger to scars. Insert a bunch of poetic shit here. My point is that if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. One day, one step at a time. Letting go seems easier. It is easier, actually. Just slicing or swallowing or jumping and then you're free. But you're making a huge fucking mistake. That kid- Evan Hansen? Who's gonna bet he's going to blame himself? That if he hadn't written the fucking note, you wouldn't be dead. If he dies and you die, maybe Zoe will give up too. Are you going to be the one to make your family cry? To make Evan's family cry? Because however mean and vindictive you show yourself, I really don't think you're that bad. Anyone who punches Jared Kleinman is automatically my friend anyway. If you turn around right now, give Evan the letter and an apology, you'll make two new friends. And we both know you need some." Her voice was quiet but powerful, captivating. Connor, frozen in the middle of the hallway, allowed himself to imagine the aftermath of his suicide for the first time. 

Realistically this time. They would care. It would actually matter to someone, whether it was some stuttering tree nerd or some edgy random girl, or his bright sister. 

Spinning on the heel of his tattered boots, his growled under his breath, storming around. "Fine. But don't think this fucking changes anything. I still hate your fucking guts. And I won't do anything you tell me to. You're sure as hell not my friend," he hissed, striding towards the library.

A light chuckle left her mouth, but when he turned around to flip her the bird again, the only thing left was her blue-streaked hair disappearing around the corner, and a trail of muddy footprints.

He sighed, a hand on the door. "Here goes nothing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be from Evan's perspective!
> 
> I'm sorry Connor might be a bit OOC this is only my second time writing as him.


	3. Panic Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan really hates his life. Like seriously. Did everything have to go wrong? Apparently so. 
> 
> So yeah, here was: crying in the school library. Alone. Pathetic.
> 
> Yayyyyy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//suicidal ideation, panic attack, anxiety, Evan needs help, past suicide attempt
> 
> Also I'm sorry writing Connor is harder than I thought T_T

Panic thrummed through every vein and nerve, his blood was on fire, he was being dragged into the fiery pits of hell. That was how Evan felt.

Realistically, he knew he should reach into his backpack and pull out an Adderal and swallow it, let its effect wash over him and numb the awful fear thrilling through every inch of him. But his hands were shaking so much he seriously doubted he could even grab the zipper. Blank blue eyes spilled over with tears, landing on the plain white cast covering his arm.

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

He always fucked everything up he couldn't even kill himself right and now Connor Murphy the legendary school shooter who everyone hated and threw a printer in 3rd grade had his creepy note about Zoe Murphy who was Connor's sister for fuck's sake and it had his thoughts in it and he was going to post it and everyone would see what a freak Evan was oh god he'd have to move to Canada there was no other option because his entire life would be ruined he'd change his name and appearance maybe Jared could cover for him and say he died in a freak car crash or maybe he could go back to Ellison Park and actually finish what he started and not fuck it up this time and maybe for once-

Someone awkwardly cleared their throat.

Evan squeaked, shooting up in the chair- hitting his elbow in the process- and wiped his eyes as fast as humanly possible. Said school shooter extraordinaire was standing there with a shifty expression. His weight alternated between left and right foot, messy brown hair hanging over the eye with a tiny small bit of chocolate in the icy blue. Evan didn't think he'd ever made eye contact with someone this long since he was 4 years old.

"Oh! I'msosorryIsweartogodthatwasn'tforyouIwouldn'tdothatIswearI'msosorryhonestlyalsoIwasn'tlaughingearlieratyouJaredcanbestupidI'msorry-" he rushed out, jerking to his feet and gripping his no-longer blank cast in a death grasp, sweat pooling in his palms already. The boy in front of him furrowed his brow in a ~~cute~~ interesting way.

"I can't say I understood a word of what you said..." Connor said awkwardly. "But uh I came to apologize. Again. I freaked out again-" his voice turned progressively more bitter "so you can go tell everyone or whatever the fuck. But you can have your weird letter to yourself back sorry I took it." He shoved said letter forward, glaring at his scuffed boots.

Evan.exe stopped working momentarily. So for one thing, Connor Murphy said _sorry_ which is unheard of, and for another thing Evan got his letter back? What?

After a second of mindless gaping, Evan snapped back into his senses. "Oh yes, I'm so sorry. Thanks-" he blushed nervously as he shoved the procured paper into his bag. "Uh I didn't do it on purpose I'm sorry you thought that it's actually kinda funny if you think about it in the right way not that there's like a wrong way to think about it people can think about what they want or however they want that's not my business but like um anyway it's a letter- to myself? Like I'm supposed to write why it's gonna be a good day and then print it out and give it to my therapist so you're not the freak Jared's wrong I'm the freak I'm sorry."

Connor blinked his icy blue eyes a few times, trying to process all that rapid-fire information. "Oh," was all he could say at first. When Evan looked like he was about to start on another apologizing/explaining rant, he interjected again. "Um, that didn't seem like you were talking about it being a good day," he blurted out awkwardly.

Evan winced. "Not that you have to tell!" the taller boy rushed quickly, noting the shorter's reaction.

"No no no you're fine. I-it wasn't really a g-good day I guess. S-so I couldn't really think of anything worth-thwhile to add." He stared down at his cast, fresh tears trying to pool around his eyelashes and slide down his cheeks again.?

The emo teen gripped his bag's strap so hard his knuckles turned white. Shit, he was bad at this. With an awkward chuckle, he began again. "Um- sorry about that?" It came out like a question. "If you want we can be real friends. Instead of pretending like I said?"

Evan stared with wide eyes at the boy in front of him who avoided his gaze and saw instead of the tough, fierce, terrifying, mean, mentally unstable, school shooter he usually saw- he saw a scarred, broken, hurt, anxious, angry teen who's dealt with too much shit in like to be sane or normal. With a small even more awkward smile, he responded. "Uh sure. Yeah. That'd be... cool?" 

Connor tightly grinned before edging towards the door. "Well I best be... going. Um. Good luck in... life I guess," he choked out quickly before darted out the door faster than Evan'd ever seen anyone leave.

Normally Evan would overanalyze every single second of the conversation, but he was in too much shock this time.

What the fuck happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm so flipping irregular at posting I knowwwwwwww  
> And I always misspell fiery as firey ;-;
> 
> also are my sentences too long/descriptive??? pls critique my writing-
> 
> Okay weird thing i typed most of this (70 percent prolly) with my eyes closed at midnight tryign to sleep but needing to write and being stressed so-


	4. Dilemna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a choice now...  
> To carry out with his plan, or to just see if maybe senior won't go to total shit. At least not yet. 
> 
> And Lilith really likes showing up in random places. She should totally get a job as an assassin or something, nobody would ever see her coming. Connor really doesn't know whether or not to hate her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//self harm, suicidal ideation, mentions of being attacked, guns, knives, PTSD (Lilith's side of stuff for the last ones)
> 
> I'm sorry this is focusing on Lilith some you just need backstory so I can get along with Connor and Evan's relationship (platonic and romantic) so yeah :)

Connor walked home. Zoe had jazz band practice, and Cynthia or Larry would never come to pick him up. Not that Connor would want them to- that'd be hell. Especially if it was Larry. No thanks, Zoe was bad enough to deal with.

He tried to push away the lingering words stuck in his head from Lilith and instead shoved some earbuds in, turning on My Chemical Romance (because he was a basic emo child okay- they have great music). Staring at his feet, he almost walked into someone for the second time that day, but managed to stop at the last moment, catching himself and swerving around them. 

Well the universe really didn't like him today. Or maybe it did? No, he didn't really think it ever did.

His luck was always shit, so nothing was really that different. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the large wooden doors, tromping into the house. He didn't take his boots off like he was supposed to before stepping onto the carpet because seriously- who cared? No one. It didn't even leave visible tracks. 

Once that was done he just stood there for a second before going into his room and checking one last time to make sure the house was truly empty. In his bookshelf he took out _The Catcher and the Rye_ , opening it to reveal a secret container. Inside was a razor, a small pack of cotton balls, a bag of weed, and a full bottle of sleeping pills. He'd been storing his own instead of taking them. It wasn't like they worked anyway. 

He took out the small orange-clear container and stared at it conflictingly. 

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Lilith is not a trusting person. Which is why she really didn't trust Connor Murphy to not kill himself. So she did the natural thing and followed him home. Like a normal human being would.

She followed behind him at a far enough distance that he wouldn't notice, and stood behind a car while the other teen unlocked the front door and went inside. With a frown, the girl walked out from behind the vehicle and approached the house. She tried to take stock of her options. If Zoe's window was the second to the right... and Connor's was farther down that'd mean-

Ah. There. 

She pinpointed the window which looked out across the side yard, a large ficus tree beside it. Rolling her eyes, she walked up to the base of the tree. 

Seriously, if you want to keep your kid inside, don't give them the room with the easy way out. She dropped her backpack at the base of the tree and kicked her combat boots and socks off. Grabbing a low-hanging branch, she began to climb with fluid ease. Evan would probably be proud. Once she reached near the top, she peeked through the thick leaf cover into Connor's window. 

His black curtains were half-open, allowing her to see about half of his room. She took in the white walls, covered with art and a few posters, and the CDs stacked in piles in the corner. Most prominent was his messy bed, and beside that, an overflowing bookshelf. He was standing beside said bookshelf, clutching something in his hand and seemingly frozen. 

Lilith frowned, leaning forward and almost losing her balance. However, she did manage to see what he was holding. One of his fine-boned fingers drifted towards the cap and she tensed every part of her body, prepared to launch herself through his fucking window if need be. But his hand just hovered in midair, his entire body shaking. 

The flashback hit her out of nowhere.

_She was fourteen. But that age where you're not used to being said age, so you keep saying you're what you used to be. So thirteen. Thirteen was an unlucky number. Is that why 7th grade sucked so much? Is that why she took a knife to her forearm? Is that why she yelled and exploded in anger? But that was fine. She was fine. Everything was fine. She was just a little girl fresh out of the mental hospital. That made her okay. If she was released, she was okay. It wasn't even inpatient. She was fine._

_Yeah right._

_Lilith thought all of this in about ten seconds. Her mind was a pretty busy place. So she thought this as she walked to school, absently kicking some stones along the way. She looked up as she passed that one house- the one that had cracked windows and what looked like a hole from a gunshot in the door, the one with the rotting wood and peeling paint and broken-down car and glass shards in the grass._

_She remembered how just a week ago she'd stolen a shard and cleaned it to use for herself._

_And she realized she'd stopped walking, and was crying. Oh. Whoops. Rolling her eyes, she quickly wiped them and kept walking. She thought she heard a noise behind her, but dismissed it as her imagination. But then she heard a loud set of running footsteps and glanced over her shoulder. A man with an unshaved face and wild eyes held a handgun, leveled at the passing cars in the streets._

_Shots rang out, glass shattered, screams rent through the early morning, and cars swerved erratically across the road. She stared for a split second before dropping her backpack and shrugging her hoodie off in one fluid motion._

_Lilith ran towards the man as fast as she could, pure adrenaline rushing through her veins. A quick sweep which sent him flying to the ground, pistol trying to aim at her head. She ducked and dove onto him, trying to get a hold on the gun. He kneed her in the ribs and her breath gusted out in a painful whoosh, but her attempts didn't falter. They grappled for about four more seconds before Lilith managed to dig her knee into his side and get a hand on each bicep, trying to keep his gun hand down.  
_

_But he was a full-grown man, and- although yes, she was unusually strong and trained in the martial arts- she was a thirteen, no, fourteen year-old-girl. So his arm started to rise off the pavement as he thrashed wildly, and she was a light person. So with one particularly hard spasm, she was thrown to the side, skinning her elbow on the pavement. On pure instinct, Lilith's leg lashed out at the gun that was coming toward her._

_She somehow managed to kick it a few inches away and scoot back a foot or two. He lept to grab it again, but she kicked one booted foot out- sending it even farther away. With a snarl he reached into his jacket and pulled out a knife._

_Lilith scrambled to her feet as he rose at the same time, bleeding from his nose. In the back of her mind, she vaguely wondered when she had broken it._

_That was soon forgotten._

_And replaced with a knife to the gut._

_She screamed, kneeing him in the crotch._

_His turn to yell, yanking the knife out crookedly and lashing out with it blindly._

_Catching above her right eye, slashing through her eyebrow, curving around her eye, and down her cheek._

_She was on fire._

_And she became the fire._

_A well-placed kick and arm lock when he went to slash again._

_Her entire body was numb, fueled by adrenaline._

_A snap of his arm and she grabbed the knife._

_Plunged it down._

_And._

_And._

_Blood._

_~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

Connor was having what's called an "exestential crisis."

Aka, he was trying to decide whether or not to kill himself. Going as far as to open the bottle and tip the pills into his hand, but stopping there. Because of what that weird girl had said. He didn't give a fuck about what Zoe thought or wanted. Right? Right. He didn't care. 

She didn't care about him, it was mutual. 

And then this girl- Lilith- came along and managed to make him question every single fucking thing, breaking him out of his nice hole of denial. With a small hiss of breath through his clenched teeth, he snapped out of his trance and snatched up the water bottle. He was going to fucking do it this time. Zoe didn't care. That tree kid could go fuck himself. So could Jared Kleinman, the asshole. And that nerdy 'acquaintance' girl. And most of all, that idiotic scarred-

A loud crack sounded from outside his window.

Turning quickly, he strode to the glass and shoved the curtain to the side, pills and waterbottle still in hand. 

What.

The.

Fuck?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh yeah well this was written while I was very sleep deprived  
> So  
> Sorry 'bout any errors or like... inconsistencies. I'm tired lol.
> 
> Uh okay I apparently really like weird cliffhangers. Next chapter will be Evan so ya'll have to wait even longer to see what Connor's gonna do and if Lilith like dies falling out of a tree or what.
> 
> Lol yeah lemme just kill my OC literally 3 chapters in- XD thats likely  
> actually yes it is  
> sounds like me
> 
> im super fucking sleep deprived can you tell???


	5. Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan really has trouble staying... calm. Jared really doesn't help. Like ever. And what the fuck no Evan totally doesn't have a crush on Connor instead of Zoe and lied in the letter to cover up without even realizing it hahhahhahahahahaha-
> 
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//panic attack
> 
> this is so gay btw  
> Evan basically panics over the phone, Jared's an asshole, so Evan hangs up and panics in gay for a bit.

Evan wasn't panicking _at all._ He wasn't freaking out that he somehow imagined or made up the entire interaction with Connor except also that couldn't be true because it was printed in large blocky black letters on his cast. BUT WHAT IF HE WAS **HALLUCINATING**?

Giving in, he dialed Jared's number.

"Yo, what's up Acorn?"

"D-Don't call me th-that. Besides I need h-help," Evan rushed out. "Connor Murphy came into th-the library when I was p-printing my letter and he took it and stormed out and I w-was p-panicking but he came back and h-he apologized and gave i-it back but I mentioned Z-Zoe in it and he probably h-hates my guts and also he signed-ed my cast and wh-what am I supposed to do?"

A long pause, then loud cackling. "Connor freaking Murphy? He saw the creepy sex letter you wrote about his sister? You're so fucked dude!"

"That really doesn't h-help!" Evan hissed through clenched teeth. "Besides he g-gave it back!"

"Still, he could've taken a picture of it. Or some other shit. Dude this is hilarious!"

"How is this _funny_?" the shorter teen screeched, picking furiously at the hem of his shirt.

Jared laughed again. "Okay so the legendary emo school shooter himself- read your letter to _yourself_ about HIS SISTER. A weird creepy sex letter, nonetheless! Everything could go to shit and it's hilarious to watch! It's like how people bet and gamble. Except I just get to watch, and don't even have to pay! Hah!"

Evan hung up.

Putting his head in his hands and breathing heavily, he tried to calm down. Okay, it wasn't that bad. He'd already checked every social media possible to see if his letter had been posted, and that was a negative. The probability of Connor posting it this late was low, right? If he wanted to he'd have already done it, right?

Closing his eyes and flopping onto his bed, he tried to replay the conversation without the haze of fear and panic that laid over the memory. He remembered blue, piercing eyes. He remembered a hint of chocolate brown hidden in the right eye, adding a hint that was mesmerizing. He remembered long brown hair, reaching down to barely brush his shoulder blades. He remembered chipped black nail polish and sharp cheekbones. 

He remembered... long slender fingers and-

No shitshitshitshitshit what the fuck why was he remembering this shit this wasn't helpful why the hell did he remember all this and why the fuck was he thinking about Connor like this he liked Zoe he liked girls but he remembered so much about Connor that was gay though he wasn't gay hahaha no of course not he was straight as a ruler but not like one of those one that was rubbery and bent everywhere like a wooden ruler but not a broken one or anything a normal straight unbroken wooden one not that being gay wasn't normal that's not what he meant he meant-

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what the fuck did he even mean?

Pulling on his hair he curled onto his side, praying his mom didn't choose that moment to walk in. Luckily, she didn't, leaving to lay pathetically in a blob on his bed, hyperventilating. He was such a fucking _mess_.

About an hour later, when the panic and self-deprecation and flashbacks to climbing until he could touch the sun and then falling until the sun filled his entire mind abated, he vaguely wondered what Connor Murphy was doing at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well okay yay  
> im still sleep-deprived as fuckkkkkkkk and im so tired -_- but insomnia sucks so here i am have another chapter ya'll :)  
> im also depressed af so writing this was mildly hard bc i dont care enough about anything to freak out but yaknow whatever i did it so  
> yay
> 
> also yes i know sorry you prolly wanna know what happens with Lilith and Connor- youll hafta wait ;)


	6. We Need to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith falls out of a tree, Connor is super confused and pretty angry, and Cynthis is THRILLED that Connor's finally making new friends. And Connor really needs Lilith to get the fuck out of his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//self-harm, PTSD, panic attacks, past suicide attempts, past attack
> 
> Lol Cynthia of course she'd think that  
> Connor really doesn't like Lilith right now XD

Connor could not believe his fucking eyes. That same weird girl from school was in the tree outside _his_ window at _his_ house. Her blue eyes were clouded over as she stared down at the ground, unseeing and shaking slightly. Another small whimper escaped her cracked lips and she lurched forward like she was going to vomit.

Flinching on instinct, Connor accidentally dropped his pills. "What the fuck?!" he yelled.

Lilith's head shot up and she slipped, her bare foot stepping onto black space. She twisted, eyes clearing suddenly as she lashed an arm out to grab the branch. Missing it, she fell. A loud thumping noise was heard, then silence. Connor stared, slack-jawed out the window, water bottle hanging loosely from his hand. Did he just hallucinate that whole thing? Why the heck was Lilith at his house? In his tree? Was she a fucking stalker or what? 

Two minutes later, Connor was still staring out the open window with distant eyes, debating whether or not he was insane.

The leaves in front of him shook slightly, and- with growing apprehension- he took in the girl climbing up the tree again. Other than leaves and sticks in her hair, and slightly beaten-up hands, she looked mostly unharmed. Her blue and blonde hair was mussed up and sticking everywhere, and she had dirt coating her hoodie. With a nervous smile she waved. 

"What the living **fuck**?" the teen in the window demanded vehemently. 

Lilith winced apologetically. "Look okay I'm so sorry I know-" She heard a car approaching and turned to see Cynthia's car pulling into the driveway. "Shit okay get out of my way," she rushed out, motioning frantically to Connor. He furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to ask what she meant, but managed to leap out of the way as she came diving through his open window, landing almost gracefully.

Connor cursed with everything he knew, voice raising in pitch. She snarled at him, snapping to her feet to clamp a hand over his mouth. "Shut up!" she hissed, glancing to where his door should be. "Do you have a closet I can hide in?" she whispered, removing her hand.

He glared. "No! Get the fuck out!"

But it was too late. Cynthia was in the house and up the stairs, staring into Connor's room with a surprised face. "Oh! Connor! You brought a friend over!" she squealed excitedly. "I'm Cynthia Murphy, so nice to meet you," she gushed, pulling Lilith into a hug. 

Lilith winced like it hurt or like she was expecting something else, standing stiffly. Cynthia didn't notice. "I'll go make lunch for you two!" she squealed. The scarred girl smiled tightly at her retreating figure before slowly turning to Connor with a pained expression, holding out a placating hand. 

He exploded quietly. "What the fuck was that!? Why the hell are you here? At my house?" He quickly scooped up the fallen pills, thanking the heavens Cynthia didn't notice them and shoved them back in the bottle, tucking it in his hoodie pocket.

The girl's eyes followed every movement before meeting his eyes and frowning. "That's why. I followed you home because I don't _trust_ you not to kill yourself. And apparently I was right not to." She crossed her arms and frowned, bending the scar on her face. "Do you know why people at school call me Three sometimes?" When she got no response except more glaring she sighed, uncrossing her arms. "Three times. I tried what you did once already three times. So they call me Three. They could call me Four, because I've been into four mental hospital, or Two, because I've been sliced with a knife twice, or One, because I've killed one person." Bitterness laced every single word, and she held back tears. "But they chose Three. No one knew about your last attempt because Zoe and the rest of you lied. If you do it this time, you might fail. They won't believe you again. Do you seriously want to go back to therapy and CBT and DBT and bright hospital lights and one-to-one watch? And if you succeed, that leaves everything so much worse. So I followed you home to stop you."

Connor stared at her in shock and anger and confusion and maybe a little bit of fear? "Well why the heck did you fall out of the tree?" he finally asked.

She froze before shrugging. "I had an attack. I didn't feel it coming on so I lost my balance. A PTSD attack," she said, shrugging and avoiding eye contact. The other teen studied her curiously. He'd never heard anyone be so open about all their cutting and PTSD and suicide attempts and mental health shit. Ever. It was honestly freaky. 

"Okay, fine, I won't. Now get out of my room," he said, feeling dull numbness spread over his entire body, fist clenching around the bottle in his pocket. 

She shook her head, adamant. "Nope. No can do. I still don't trust you. Give me your bottle, for one thing." She held a hand out, maintaining eye contact the whole time. He stared at her. "No, now get the fuck out!" he exclaimed incredulously. 

Before she could respond, Cynthia called out from the kitchen. "Lunch is ready kids! Come on down!"

Lilith smirked at him, whisking past. "Coming Mrs. Murphy!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not okay today-  
> also im so tired -_-
> 
> but thats fine lol have some more fanfic in which i angstily project on my characters  
> also im lonely af right now :,)


	7. Food Kills Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith has allergies- except actually doesn't. Connor is a depressed child who's been pickpocketed by a mysterious invader. Hmmmm, wonder who? And he's not very happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//implied anorexia, drugs, suicidal ideation, pickpocketing, implied self harm

Connor's mouth hung open, white-hot rage making his skin feel like it was too tight- like he wanted to rip it off. Lilith slinked out of his doorless room, streaked blonde and blue hair hanging behind her. The teen boy growled, clenching his hands until red crescents were deeply imprinted on his palms. However, he stormed after her, scowling venomously. 

Cynthia had made tuna rolls, with no meat. So tuna rolls without the tuna. Which were very plain and disgusting. This was why Connor just had takeout all of the time. She beamed at Lilith, looking all-together to excited. 

"Hello, Mrs. Murphy. Nice to meet you. I'm Jessica," Lilith said, voice rising a few octaves in pitch, her face becoming soft and innocent instead of sharp and calculating. Her entire demeanor changed from the menacing, scarred, emo girl that Connor had seen to a soft, quiet, kind, perfect little kid. Cynthia obviously ate it all up, shaking the offered hand and serving them the rolls.

Connor sat back not eating them- opting instead to glare at everything he could. Lilith's serene face spasmed as she looked at the tuna-less rolls, but she quickly regained her composure. "Mrs. Murphy-"

"Please, call me Cynthia."

Lilith smiled awkwardly. "...Cynthia. May I ask what is in this food? I have a few allergies."

They had a quick conversation, in which Connor spaced out, rolling the oval pills in his pocket between his fingers and thinking about the kid in the library. He knew Evan Hansen. He knew him pretty well, in fact. Not because he paid a lot of attention to the kid, not because he was kind of cute or anything. See, Connor was openly gay. He was out of the closet. But that didn't mean he wanted to have a crush on anyone or was going to accept that. 

"Thank you so much, Mrs. Murphy! I really appreciate the offer, thank you so much. But I really should be getting home." Lilith smiled, sliding off of the chair to her feet. 

"Oh of course Jessica! Anytime! I'm so glad Connor's making some good friends. Connor, why don't you walk her out?"

Connor glared at her, stomping towards the door. Lilith waved one last time before quickly following. They both stood on the porch, Connor slamming the door behind him. "What. The. Fuck!" he hissed. 

The other teen clenched her eyes shut tight, rubbing her forehead quickly. When her eyes opened again she was back to the dark teen from before, unzipping her jacket to reveal print of a middle finger painted rainbow. Connor tried not to admire it too much and barely refrained from asking her where she got it. "I'm sorry. I didn't know your mom would be home so soon. But it doesn't matter. I'll go. See you tomorrow," she said, a strange glint in her eye.

Grinding his teeth, Connor flipped her off and stormed to his room, breezing past Cynthia without even glancing at her. Once in his room, he grabbed the bag of weed and his lighter out of the fake book, shoving them in his hoodie pocket before storming out the door, yet again ignoring Cynthia. He jumped into the car, blasting AViVA as loud as possible as he drove to the apple orchard. 

Technically he wasn't allowed to drive the car, but whatever.

Once there he wandered deep into the forest before sitting down to roll his weed and light it. He took the first drag, heavy numbness washing over him as he exhaled smoke into the sky with a breath. He watched, almost hypnotized as the grey air tangled back and forth, twining with itself and fading into the fading darkness of the sky. After finishing the blunt, he reached in for the bottle of pills, fingers fumbling. 

Good thing he could dry swallow pills.

However his long fingers only found a piece of paper, which he pulled out to squint at. Written on a napkin with thin black sharpie was a note.

_I don't trust you. Sorry it came to this. You'll get them back when I say you do. I know you have other ways you could do it. But don't fucking do it. Talk to Evan. -L_

Connor balled up the napkin and threw it as far away as he could, screaming into the empty forest and grabbed his hair. And that's what he did for the next hour. Tore at his hair, crying silently, wishing he had brought his razor. Fuck Lilith. 

The next day at school he didn't run into her though. Thank god. Maybe she was done messing with his life. Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol yeah lilith's not done messing around- but she wont be here for a few chapters, or at least not often. now we start developing tree bros >;3


	8. I'm Not Falling For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan have another run-in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo I haven't written in awhile sorry if this is a bit rocky XD

Evan sighed as he trekked along the sidewalk to get to school. He was staring at the ground, scuffing his feet against the concrete cracks and moving pretty unconsciously, preoccupied with the racing thoughts in his head. It'd been 2 days since his run-in with Connor Murphy in the library, and nothing had come of it yet. Evan had seen the other teen briefly in the halls but they hadn't interacted. 

And Evan- who sat behind Connor in English- totally hadn't been practically stalking the other boy, finding him on Twitter and Tumblr and secretly looking through his things to try to figure out more about the reclusive teen.

As he was thinking this, he collided with a soft-yet-bony figure, slipping and feeling someone catch him, arms shooting out to grab his shoulders. He looked up straight into-

Oh shit.

Connor Murphy's piercing blue eyes looked into Evan's, concerned and soft and pretty and-

"Are you okay?"

Evan sputtered out a million apologies, turning BRIGHT red, frozen in place. Connor was still holding onto his shoulders and they were SO CLOSE and Evan was maybe sort of having a bisexual panic and awakening IN CONNOR FRICKING MURPHY'S arms and this was so bad like-

The taller teen stepped back quickly, letting go of Evan, who was still frantically apologizing. 

"Dude, chill. You're fine," Connor said, looking nervous. "It was an honest accident."

Evan managed to squeak out "Oh okay, thanks" before awkward silence fell over the pair, setting the already-awkward encounter into a deeper rut. 

Finally Connor spoke up. "Um, you heading to class?" A nod in return. "Ah cool... want to- um walk there together?"

Another tentative nod. 

When they got to the gates Evan finally got up the courage to ask "Hey, w-what's your first cl-class?"

"History," Connor said rolling his eyes. "The absolute worst class in my opinion."

Evan laughed a bit despite his overwhelming anxiety and gay panic. "Agreed. Hey, w-wanna hang out sometime...?" he asked, surprising himself and instantly regretting the question. Did he have a death wish? Connor Murphy was like the school-shooter stereotype and probably hated Evan and like okay maybe Evan had a tiny crush NO HE DIDN'T HE JUST I DON'T KNOW CAN APPRECIATE A HUMAN FOR NOT KILLING HIM IMMEDIATELY BUT STILL-

"Sure."

"O-oh... cool..." he squeaked out. 

Connor scribbled his number on a piece of paper and shoved it at Evan. "Bye." He stomped off towards the History classroom, leaving a trembling Evan behind, standing at the gate still, questioning his existence. 

Okay so there were so fucking many things to freak out about now. First off he had SPOKEN TO CONNOR MURPHY, who was terrifying and kinda pretty and that was the second problem because maybe he was bi but like did it have to be Connor Murphy of all people? and then to pile on top he'd asked for the boy's number and like that's so rude like seriously and then Connor said sure and like!!!!! What!!!! And now he was kinda freaking out and like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay first off i hate history
> 
> secondly i relate to evan's gay panic on a spiritual level XD


	9. I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH EVAN HANSEN OKAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor Murphy has- wait for it...
> 
> MADE A FRIEND! And he'll probably deny it until the ends of the earth, but like... it's true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but the summary and chapter title tho XD  
> idk im tired

Connor Murphy has an event in his schedule. For once. His usually empty google calendar had a blue box under Tuesday saying "Tree Boi Time" with a green heart and tree. 

How did this happen? Let's go back a few weeks, shall we? 

~*~

 _Did I just give a cute guy my number?_ Was Connor's immediate thought after giving Evan his number. His second was _How did Evan fucking Hansen get the courage to ask me to hang out?_ His third was _WHY DID I CALL HIM CUTE, and WHAT PROMPTED ME TO SAY YES?!?!_

He suffered through Social Studies, skipped the second period to smoke in a tree questioning his life decisions, and came back in time for English- his favorite. But of course, there was a substitute teacher. So he just doodled in his sketchbook instead. He liked drawing still-life portraits of people around him the most. In his sketchbook, he had a nerdy, obsessive grinning girl (Alana), a smirking asshole (Jared), that one dude with a ginger afro, his English teacher, Zoe, and... like FIVE drawings of Evan Hansen.

What the living _fuck_ was wrong with him?

Fast forward to lunch. Connor went to sit on the bleachers near all the stoners and potheads, while also not associating himself with any of them somehow. Picking through the haphazardly-thrown-together ham sandwich, he ignored everyone and everything around him. m

Until a loud burst of laughter interrupted his disgruntled sulking. Looking up to glare at the culprit he was greeted with a strange sight. 

A group of assholes, led by the asshole supreme- Jared- was cackling loudly. That obviously caught the attention of the popular kids who joined in with their snooty snickering. Connor frowned, wondering who they were laughing at. If it was just Jared and his gang, he would've assumed it was some idiotic meme, but the popular kids only join when there was bullying to do. 

The group parted slightly to show a familiar blue polo. 

Evan Hansen stood there, head bent, face in shadows. 

As Connor watched, Jared shoved Evan, causing the other boy to stumble- still making no noise and staying stock still. "What's wrong Acorn, don't think it's funny?"

One of the other assholes joined in, escalating the situation further. "Look at him, he's crying. Awwwwwwww, poor little crybaby, can't even come to school without having a breakdown," he teased. 

Connor was up, his lunch long forgotten before he could realize what he was doing.

Striding forward, he clenched his jaw an almost painful amount. "Hey fuckers!" he yelled. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!?!" Sure, some of the kids they bullied lowkey deserved it. They were assholes themselves, it was just karma. But Evan? Evan Hansen was an adorable bean. He didn't hurt people. 

They turned, a few low chuckles and whistles coming from the crowd. "What's that, Shooter? You want us to stop? _Because you said so?_ " one of the popular girls jeered at him. 

"Here's an idea: Y'all fuck off right now or the only thing you'll be laughing at will be the nurses in the hospital," he threatened. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lilith smirking and staring directly at him. That image only sent another strike of fiery flame of anger through his bones. "Leave Evan the fuck alone before I give you a dental rearrangement. 

"Ooooooh, got a bit of temper, eh Hot Topic?" Jared snarked. 

"Aw, you think I'm hot," Connor bit back, sarcasm and anger and bitterness practically dripping off of his words. "Now get the fuck away."

He stormed forward, roughly grabbing Evan's unbroken arm and dragging the other boy away to the trees at the edge of the field, where no one went, ignoring the catcalls and snickers following them. 

Once there, he let go and glanced over at the other. 

Evan was full on sobbing silently, tears streaming out of reddened eyes and pouring down his cheeks. 

"Hey... you okay?" Connor asked, softer than he thought it was possible. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been abandoned, it won’t be finished ever.


End file.
